Muse and Whirled Retort Archives 2008

The Muse and WHirled Retort November 2008


chandler - the website



M.U.S.E. .A.N.D. .W.H.I.R.L.E.D. .R.E.T.O.R.T.
By Chris Chandler
www.chrischandler.org
Vol X issue ii
November 1, 2008
Washington, DC

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Hey everybody.
It's that time of the month again.

Christmas is right around the corner from the pending sale on Halloween candy and I say what better way to support the underground economy than getting that special someone Chris Chandler's 20th Anniversary Box set.
It is a handsome four CD/ one DVD collection featuring highlights from each of the thirteen CDs I have released over the last twenty years. Also, a few selections from some of the Cassette tapes (remember cassettes) that I released in the days before CDs existed. "Fifty from Twenty"

Fifty songs from twenty years on the road. It is very exciting.

Click here to order your copy now! http://cdbaby.com/all/chrischandler
OK ENOUGH OF THAT!  Drum roll please….

M.U.S.E. .A.N.D. .W.H.I.R.L.E.D. .R.E.T.O.R.T.
By Chris Chandler
Vol X issue ii
November 1, 2008
Washington, DC

As a New Orleans Saints  Fan I know too well about the rare moment when you are actually ahead – say by seven points (does this sound familiar) - there is a minute left, you have the ball and the other team has no time outs.  All you have to do is kneel on the ball and run the clock out and it's over – right?  YOU WIN!

Then you fumble the snap, the other team runs it back for a touchdown and sends it in to overtime.  And you Democrats  know how easy it is to win when the game goes into overtime.  Right?

So, if you are one of these people that think there is no way we can lose THIS election: Well, I remember two thousand.  AND, I remember two thousand and four.  I thought there was NO WAY we could lose those elections – to George W. Bush  – what are you kidding?  But then, I remember what P. T. Barnum said, "There is an American born every minute."

So if you think for one minute there is NO WAY we can lose THIS election, well -- with out your help -- I say to you, "YES, WE CAN!"

So get out there and vote on Tuesday.  And wear one of those pretentious "I voted" stickers all day.  Be that obnoxious guy at work – point to it, ask your co-workers if they voted.  Browbeat people at the bus stop.  Offer them a ride to the polling place. And I would say it doesn't matter who you vote for – only it does.

One time I was flying to a gig, and my flight time was cutting close to my show so I had to wear the preacher outfit on the plane.  Sure, I played the part. I was saving people on the plane, drinkin' Jim Beam  shoutin' "Hallelujah" when the fasten seat belt light went off.  You didn't want to sit next to me on that flight.

Well, by the time I had to switch flights in Detroit I needed a little help.  They asked me at the ticket counter, "Mr. Chandler, what is your final destination?"

I answered, "Well, heaven I hope."

And I do.  Really.  I am no atheist my friend. No Siree, I am a God-fearing agnostic.

The world was a safer place when religion was the opiate of the masses instead of the amphetamine.

But don't worry, I ain't no fundamentalist.  I don't like fundamentalists of any kind, including atheists.  

These atheists don't want to even capitalize "God."  Why not?  You capitalize Huckleberry Finn don't ya?

They wanna take "One Nation under God," out of the Pledge of Allegiance.  That's not the part I have trouble with – the part I have trouble with is pledging allegiance.

What is this One Nation under God anyway?  

I mean – what does that make Australia?  Are they more Under God then we are?  Or if we're under – does that make them like – one nation on top of God?    Or, does God surround us – wouldn't that make us one nation in the center of God?

Personally, I wish we were one nation getting over God.

And them scientists – they don't know.  They are always trying to find some facts to fit some theory.  They've been doing that ever since Eve pulled that apple off the tree of knowledge and dropped it on Isaac Newton's head.  But why an apple?  I mean the bible never says.  What if it were a banana?  

I bet a lot more people would read the bible if you had a snake trying to convince a naked chick to shove a Chiquita  down her throat.  

I never got that.  I mean we always see Eve being offered the apple by a snake.  Only God – the intelligent designer -- punishes the snake by making him crawl on his belly for the remainder of his days?  I mean – he's already a snake.  

And then this Governor of Alaska, wantin' to be Vice President talking about teaching creationism in the schools, instead of evolution…. Just goes to show you…

…The evolution will not be televised.

I mean, the woman's got – what a half a dozen kids, one of her teenagers is prego – unplanned  – hell, I wish they would teach creationism in her schools – ya know the part where the EVIL serpent gets Eve to put her clothes on.

My friend Brino always sez, "I can count all the seeds in an apple, who can count all the apples in a seed?"

So what if it were a banana she ate.

There would have been no Johnny Appleseed. There would have been a Johnny Banana seed – only these days bananas don't have seeds.  And the guy would have gone around the country grafting banana stalks.

William Tell would have shot a banana off his sons head.

The Beatles would have released their records on Del Monte.

In this particular parallel universe, Apple computers would have had to take the same name as the Beatles' record label and they would have wound up with the slogan, "Dude, your getting' a Del."

Sir Isaac Newton would not have had his "eureka moment" when an apple fell off the tree and hit him in the head – he would have slipped on a banana peel instead.  

One day he's just walkin' along and his foot hits a banana peel lying on the sidewalk.  Both feet go up in the air, and he comes down like an anvil in the road runner cartoon… KA BAM!   This is where he comes up with the concept of gravity.

And then he's lyin' there on the ground lookin' all Amy Winehouse – 'cuz we all know that both musicians and astronomers spend a lot of time on their backs – and he's lookin' up at all them constellations with them stars all spinning around in his noggin and he sees… Andromeda… Aquarius… Buster Keaton.

But with so many stars spinning around his head, he concludes that HE is the center of the universe – and ya know what?  He's right.  He is.  Not 'cuz he is Sir Isaac Newton – but because the universe is infinite – and from where ever you stand it is equal distance in any direction – and that by definition IS the center.

So because Eve eats a banana instead of an apple – we don't get no big bang theory – we get the God slipped on a big banana peel theory.  

And if that was what Sarah Palin was talking about with intelligent design I'd vote for her.  But it isn't and I won't.  Instead I will make an intelligent choice for president.
I hope you do too.
VOTE.

*******************
A.N.N.O.U.N.C.M.E.N..T.S.
I will be touring the big triangle from Pensacola, FL to Austin to Memphis with Paul Benoit www.paulbenoitmusic.com from Seattle.  This show is a s good as it gets!
If you would like to catch it – put on a house concert – book us in your friends bar, present us at your university or any thing like that – please contact me!
***********************
I made a new video! For George Mann.  You can check it out at http://www.chrischandler.org/index.php?page=video&category=Videos_I_made_for_other_people&display=583

"I'm Chipping Away at this War"

Those of you who are fans of my film work will appreciate it!  This is my second video for George! www.georgemannmusic.com

****************************

I will be in Atlanta around Thanksgiving.

****************************
I am continuing to work on the play tentatively titled "And I Ain't Gonna be Treated This A-way." And I would like to open it somewhere in the fall of 09.

If you have an experienced back ground in AV or tech theatre – please drop me a line.

**********************
I am working on a printed version of T.H.E. .M.U.S.E.. .A.N.D. .W.H.I.R.L.E.D. .R.E.T.O.R.T.
A sort of best of – if you will.
I hope to have that out this summer.
**************************
Christmas is right around the corner from the sale on Halloween candy and I say what better way to support the underground economy than getting that special someone Chris Chandler's 20th Anniversary Box set.
It is a handsome four CD/ one DVD collection featuring highlights from each of the thirteen CDs I have released over the last twenty years. Also, a few selections from some of the Cassette tapes (remember cassettes) that I released in the days before CDs existed. "50 from 20"

50 songs from 20 years on the road. It is very exciting.

Click here to order your copy now! http://cdbaby.com/all/chrischandler
OK ENOUGH OF THAT!  Drum roll please….
*****************************

T.H.A.N.K. .Y.O.U.
Shirley, Anne, Mom, Joe and Jay, EEQ, QTN, George, Frank & Karen.

****************************
D.A. .D.A.T.E.S.

Thursday, November 20th, 2008, 8 pm
Atlanta, GA
A benefit For the School of the America Watch
Eye Drum
290 mlk jr. dr.


Friday, November 21st, 2008
The School of the America Watch
Columbus, GA
Ft Benning GA
http://www.soaw.org/new/


Saturday, November 22nd, 2008
The School of the America Watch
Columbus, GA
Ft Benning GA
http://www.soaw.org/new/

TENTATIVE
Wednesday, November 26th, 2008
Decatur
Eddie's Attic with JP Strong as my accompanist
515-B North McDonough St.
404-377-4976
http://www.eddiesattic.com/


Sunday, November 30th, 2008, 8:00
Decatur, GA
Java Monkey
With accompanist JP Strong
Church and Ponce de Leon


Thursday, February 5th, 2009, 6:00PM
Pensacola, FL
The Commerce Museum
Zaragosa and Tarragona Streets

Are you between Pensacola and Austin?
New Orleans and Memphis?

I am going to be doing this tour with Paul Benoit and I could sure use a hand getting this booked!

Thanks so much!

Chandler

updated: 8 years ago