The Chris Chandler Show

Hey everybody,
I got two poems for you this month. I do! But more about that in a second. Let us deal with what is immediately at hand.

Ya see, I tried. I tried. I tried - to do a tour that would go from here in Austin through Pensacola and Tallahassee - - up through my stomping grounds of Georgia and return to the north east. But I just couldn’t get it to work. Thank you to those who were helping me find some shows. Its just not going to happen.

I do hope to come to Pittsburgh for the Anne Feeney Celebration of Life - but even that - I am not sure about. The only thing I can say for sure is YES YES YES! I will be playing the High Sierra Music Fest with Paul Benoit and Jordan Feinstein and Jarrod Kaplan! Holy Cow! A dream come true -- - and then we play the OCF. In short, $hi+ is going on - and don’t you want to be a part?

Do You have a place you would like us to play? CHeck out the West coast stuff below this summer and see of something fits

Drop Me a Line.
Thank You!

*****
You can help keep me doing this stuff - You can get some Chandler stuff or You can donate directly.

Enough Enough of the crass commercial announcements!

First: I wrote this in the late eighties, maybe early nineties. I remember writing it on a roof top in San Francisco. I had never been there before and I was thrilled - being on the road was still new to me - and there was a demonstration in front of a women’s health center across the street. I wrote this and went down and played it for them on the streets. I think I put it out first on a cassette called “In the Road”

I still love the cover! But, I do not love how these things keep coming back. I mean, come on... what is going on in Alabama?

If frozen embryos are children, do they need to recalculate their census? Giving Alabama more representation in congress? Do they now get more votes in the electoral college?

I wrote this $hi+ in jest. I did not mean it to come to fruition. I had stopped doing the piece years ago because it think the subject is far more nuance than my (then) 25 year old mind could rap around. I know the names have changed - but i decided to just send it to you the way it is.

Yeah, there is a lot of at stake this year so keep that in mind as we approach this election.

Embryonic Citizenship
By Chris Chandler

Hey Hey Mr. Rehnquist
So you prefer the rights of The State to the rights of Women huh Mr Rehnquist
I know the reason you threw it back to them, now are you hip?
Because you didn’t want to answer a raft of questions piled up on your desk regarding Embryonic Citizenship?

Hey Hey Mr. Rehnquist
So I’m gonna ask you anyway Mr. Rehnquist
On my tax return do you mind if I file for an Embryonic Dependent?
Is my unborn child entitled to embryonic social security benefits?
Do you mind if I collect my welfare residuals nine months early?

We have full fetal rights now, that’s for sure
But if you don’t want an abortion, ya ain’t gotta have one sir
But you’ve made pregnancy a private matter between a woman, her doctor and the state legislature

Hey Hey Mr. Rehnquist

You’ve got a lot of questions you gotta answer now that we’ve got this
Embryonic Citizenship
Incipient residence
Gonna wreak havoc on the next census

Hey Hey Mr. Rehnquist

My birthday ain’t the day my folks got off ya see
But if life begins at conception I wanna know what it is I’m supposed to be
I used to think I was a Capricorn, now I must be an Aries

Hey Hey Mr. Rehnquist
If life begins at conception – if that’s what it is you say
And my drivers license says 20 years and 3 months is my age
Then I guess you don’t mind if I go into a bar and start drinking today

Hey Hey Mr. Rehnquist
What happens if an unborn child causes the death of its mother?
Does that child go on trial for murder – or mom slaughter?
But with your decision regarding capitol punishment wait a second – that would be abortion– this gets so confusing

Hey Hey Mr. Rehnquist
I heard tale of a woman – got up one morning claimed her unborn child was gone
She got on the phone – called up embryonic missing persons
Next this ya know – there was a picture of her belly – right there on the back of a milk carton

Embryonic Citizenship
Incipient residence
Gonna wreak havoc on the next census

Hey Hey Mr. Rehnquist
You talk about birth control as though you were holier than thou
there is a certain irony in that – cause you sure don’t offer us much protection anyhow
it’s obvious you didn’t use no birth control when you screwed the state legislature an said “It’s your baby now.”

***********

NOW: I promised you two.

This is an up dated version of one I originally wrote with Phil Rockstorh. It was originally on a CD called “Convenience Store Troubadours" back in the mid nineties, I don’t like continually updating it but I hope it helps.

Here is an older version to watch and listen videoed at Te terrific radio station KPIG and here is an updated text.

What I want to know

is why the Christian Right in this country

can’t stop thinking about other peoples… genitalia.


I mean, isn’t that how we usually define pervert?

Someone who can’t stop thinking about sex sex sex.



But that’s all these guys seem to think about. 



Ms Margorie Taylor Green, Mr Mother Tucker Carlson,

could you guys please get your heads out of my pants? 



Sheeze, I had to quit going to church just so I’d stop hearing about sex all the time.


Maybe, if you thought about it less, and did it more,

you would stop being so obsessed with the subject!



And maybe, just maybe, if you thought about it less, and did it more, you would worry less about who I can marry in this country, and worry more about who this country can kill!



You remind me of when I was in high school. All us prepubescent boys at home alone, pulling and pawing, scrutinizing the discovery of masturbation. Fantasizing about sex sex sex. 

However, if we came across a woman that was the least bit flirtatious, we called her slut slut slut. 



That’s right. 

We shamed them. We made fun of them to the other boys. While secretly fantasizing about the very same women that by day we disparaged.



And that’s what you are doing.

Shaming us.



So I say “shame on you!”

If my partner does not wish to carry my child, that is her choice.

Not mine, and not yours.



No amount of political power is going to change that truth.



So, Mr. Neil Gorsuch Mr. Brett Kavanaugh, Ms Amy Coney Barrett,

you have no room to talk - because it’s obvious you didn’t use any protection when you screwed the state legislatures and said, “It’s your baby now!”



You are gonna carry this one to term. 

And you remember what happened the last time we threw the question of freedom back to the states? 

Where I grew up we called it “The War Between the States”. 

Is that what you want? Mr Clarence Thomas?

And you know what else? That guy who appointed the three of you, and all the people that supported him, do not actually care about unborn children. 

They have never once offered support for prenatal care, never once offered child care. 

And you bet your delicious derriére that if their darling Madison ever got knocked up by Jerry Falwell Jr’s pool boy - they would sure as hell find a clinic.


It is ridiculous! 



These crypto Puritans might as well be wagging their fingers at trees,

for dropping pollen on my car windshield and in my sinus cavities. 



“Oh how it penetrates me against my will!“ 



You could just see these trees on the Dr. Phil show saying, “It wasn’t our fault! 

We swear by our roots, branches and leaves, it wasn’t our idea! We were victims - victims of bees”

Those bees… They are sneaky, persistent, aggressive. All they eat is sugar. It makes them hyperactive.
They should be put on Ritalin we think.

And you know they’re dysfunctional. They live with their mothers all their lives. Absent fathers and all.

All they do is roam the countryside looking for trouble. Sex on their minds.

In and out they fly. In and out - their hot wings beating briskly against our open little flowers.

Oh! Oh! How is it penetrates me against my will!

Wait! I think this is grounds for sexual-harassment.

And the sun? The sun just watched, the old voyeur.

Notice he didn’t call the authorities. Notice he didn’t call you.

It is rumored after all, that the sun itself was formed by the Big Bang. Sort of a cosmic one night stand.
All the Universe seems to care about is sex sex sex.

But you know what?

It was God that created this flowering earth.
And the salacious sensuous stars. And you and me, Mr. Brett Kavanaugh, Mr. Neil Gorsuch, Ms Amy Coney Barrett.

And since our mailing address is the Universe, we too care about sex sex sex.

So on Judgment Day,

I will gladly take my chances.
Because I believe the Creator will be much more tolerant of those of us who have erred on the side of Eros, than have slept with hypocrisy in the pursuit of power.

*************

On January 21 I had the honor of performing in Berkeley CA with John Elliott. We were sitting in the dressing room when this cam up as a Facebook Memory. January 21, 2021. I read the poem to John and he said, “ I have a song” and we just did it. Here it is.



Expect this kind of thing this summer when I am, out with Paul Benoit. We are going to be returning to the High Sierra! and we are long for dates on the West Coast. Would you like us to play at your place? Please drop me a line i want to make this tour a good one! I only have so many lefft in me.

It is with great disappointment that we will not be returning to the Islands folk festival for their 40th. GOD, I LOVE THAT FEST! but we would like to return to Victoria this summer - can you help. Vancouver? And while we are at it. Portland? Eastern Washington? All of you in the great NW (or SW of Canada) now is the time. This is a cool show! Bring it in!

H.E.R.E.S. .D.A. .D.A.T.E.S.

Sunday, March 10th, 2024
A Benefit to Save Mystery Creek Sagebrush Saloon Featuring Gregory Alexander
5500 S Congress Ave
Austin, TX 78745



Wednesday, May 1st, 2024
A Celebration of the Life and Music of Anne Feeney Mr Smalls
400 Lincoln AvePittsburgh, PA



Friday, May 3rd, 2024
KVMR Celtic Festival Nevada County Faire Grounds
Nevada City, CA



Saturday, May 4th, 2024
KVMR Celtic Festival Nevada County Faire Grounds
Nevada City, CA



Sunday, May 5th, 2024
KVMR Celtic Festival Nevada County Faire Grounds
Nevada City, CA



Saturday, May 25th, 2024
Scottish Fest Orange County Faire Grounds
Costa Mesa, CA



Sunday, May 26th, 2024
Scottish Fest Orange County Faire Grounds
Costa Mesa, CA



Wednesday, July 3rd, 2024
High Sierra Music Festival with Paul Benoit Qunicy Fairegrounds
Quincy, CA



Thursday, July 4th, 2024
High Sierra Music Festival with Paul Benoit Qunicy Fairegrounds
Quincy, CA



Friday, July 5th, 2024
High Sierra Music Festival with Paul Benoit Qunicy Fairegrounds
Quincy, CA



Saturday, July 6th, 2024
High Sierra Music Festival with Paul Benoit Qunicy Fairegrounds
Quincy, CA



Sunday, July 7th, 2024
High Sierra Music Festival with Paul Benoit Qunicy Fairegrounds
Quincy, CA



Friday, July 12th, 2024
Oregon Country Faire Venita Oregon Country Faire Site
Venita, OR



Saturday, July 13th, 2024
Oregon Country Faire Venita Oregon Country Faire Site
Venita, OR



Sunday, July 14th, 2024
Oregon Country Faire Venita Oregon Country Faire Site
Venita, OR