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The Chris Chandler Show

  • Credit History

    Credit History

    By Phil Rockstroh and Chris Chandler

    So I was wrestling with this demon....

    Well he really wasn't a demon per say...

    but a kind of a lower-level emblem of evil.... well not exactly evil....

    But he was real annoying...

    and we weren't exactly wrestling....

    I was kinda dodging his phone calls....

    Real annoying phone calls from this emblem of annoyance....

    >From this figure straight outta Hell....

    Well not exactly Hell...

    but from a collection agency....

    You see I purchased salvation on my credit card.

    Well not exactly salvation --  but close: five hundred dollars worth of

    books on self improvement, miracle diets, and angels.  Not to mention

    the added expense of a really comfortable reclining chair to seek

    salvation upon.  

    I'm comfortable with the fact that a comfortable chair allows me to be

    comfortable reading my self help books that teach me to be comfortable

    with myself.  Some soul-numb skeptics might deride that fact that I have

    charged hundreds of dollars in take out pizza during this period of self

    improvement and spiritual growth -- I accept that fact about my self --

    after all I could not properly absorb all the information in my diet

    books if I am too hungry to concentrate.

    But  you see THIS is a battle for my soul,

    Or at least as important -- my credit rating --

    which is infinitely intertwined with my feelings of self worth -

    Which is infinitely intertwined with my need for self help books

    which is infinitely entwined  with my  credit rating which is...

    Well... You get the point I simply had to charge this book on my LORD & MASTER CARD

    Since when is god concerned with diet books?  When was he not?  He has

    convinced the Jews to stay Kosher, the Muslims to stay clear of swine,

    the Protestants to add mayonnaise to everything.  So the way I see it

    the Higher power can certainly inspire a best selling diet book... You got to allow

    hope a little wiggle room.

    Which gets us back to my holy war with the credit agency...

    who claim that my entire life is story is on file in their computer...

    my entire life story ... has come to this... a few electronic flashes of light...

    a billion angels dancing on the head of a micro chip...

    now that is some diet they're on to able to do that!.

    I want to tell that computer to mind its manners and watch what it says

    about me in public.  If I ever saw that smug  son of a Mother board I'd

    call it out... but you can't... you can't fight what you can't see...

    You just flail into the empty air.  Like taking a swing at the Gods

    themselves.  Only - the way I see it the Gods  are Corporations in fact - They have no face.  Like Gods, a faceless allusive entity that speaks in cryptic slogans and symbols called logos....

    Today even Zeus would fall, overwhelmed and defeated before the Great

    God Wal-Mart.

    The gods aren't dead; they're  just out shopping.

    Aphrodite bought a nitey at Victoria secrets while Eros joined a

    recovery group for sex addiction and traded his bow and arrows in a the

    sporting goods department for a 9 mm. and was last seen heading to high

    school in the deep south (to start an NRA Gun Safety Club of course)....

    Thank goodness he didn't see any naked folks on a record cover in the

    music department.

    Now Jesus-- He's learned the score-- he has learned from his years of

    hanging around the wretched and poor that there is a better way to

    market to them. He's opened a Mega-Store, named Saved-Mart.... His plan

    is to open one in every town in the USA and put those pitiful, main street churches

    out of business for good.... He's more powerful than the Son of

    God--He's a god damn CEO!  For He so loved the world -- He bought the


    ...Oh  father - please forgive me for my credit rating as I forgive

    those who have bounced checks to me - Ye as I walk through the valley of

    the shadow of too many inquires and a poor debt to credit ratio - I

    would fear no evil--  IF I JUST HAD A BETTER CREDIT RATING.... In the meantime-- I'll settle for some TV and the holy deliverance of some

    delivery pizza or Chinese food-- ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN.