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The Chris Chandler Show

  • The Ballad of Theodore and His Conspicuous Erection/ I Wanna be Like you

    The Ballad of Theodore and his Conspicuous Erection/I wanna be like you

    Chandler, Rockstroh/R Sherman R Sherman

    Now I'm the king of the swingers

    Oh, the jungle VIP

    I've reached the top and had to stop

    And that's what botherin' me

    I wanna be a man, mancub

    And stroll right into town

    And be just like the other men

    I'm tired of monkeyin' around!

    The first Anthropoid to ever walk erect

    was probably having a bad day.

    I'll bet his mother said, "Now Theodore,

    don't you do that or else you might get stuck that way."

    He was a rebel,

    didn't give a damn,

    He looked her straight in the eye and said,  

    "Look MA, no hands."

    At school, everybody began to taunt him by saying,

    "Theodore, we always did suspect this.

    We always thought you to be a Homo...   Erects...

    Theodore is a Homo. Theodore is a Homo."

    Oh, oobee doo

    I wanna be like you

    I wanna walk like you

    Talk like you, too

    You'll see it's true

    An ape like me

    Can learn to be human too

    Soon the word got out

    to the ruling class elite,

    for there was a monkey

    who could walk on his feet

    They asked,  "What's going to happen if this guy

    grows a cerebral cortex or an opposable thumb.

    We'd be out of a job -

    this guy could make us look real dumb."

    So as with anything

    that challenges the orthodoxy,

    the ruling class elite called out the moralists

    to fight there war by proxy.

    The moralists agreed

    and became irate


    "The only reason this boy is walking erect

    is to proudly display his privates,

    and if this keeps up, our civilization

    will end in moral defeat.

    So the congressional body of monkeys enacted a law

    That said and I quote

    Monkey sounds to the tune of chorus

    that states we all have to wear a warning label fig leaf."

    They condemned this process

    of natural selection,

    and anything at all to do with Theodore

    and his conspicuous erection.

    Now don't try to kid me, mancub

    I made a deal with you

    What I desire is man's red fire

    To make my dream come true

    Give me the secret, mancub

    Clue me what to do

    Give me the power of man's red flower

    So I can be like you You!

    Soon  the weirdoes, the outsiders saw

    how walking erect made the powers that be mad

    and it quickly became

    a counter cultural fad.

    Soon everybody  was talking

    about natural selection

    and the latest dance craze was

    the conspicuous erection.

    I wanna be like you

    I wanna talk like you

    Walk like you, too

    You'll see it's true

    Someone like me

    Can learn to be

    Like someone like me

    Can learn to be

    Like someone like you

    Can learn to be

    Like someone like me!

    So the next time you see something

    you don't understand

    don't dismiss it

    with the wave of your hand

    If I were you -

    I would not be too proud,

    for it might be your hairy knuckles

    that are dragging the ground.