Skip to main content

The Chris Chandler Show

  • Breakfast Serial Killers

    Breakfast Serial Killers

    Chris Chandler, Phil Rockstroh

    Down in Australia the ozone layer has gotten so bad that not only do people except it - they are finding ways to cash in on it.  There are beer ads that say, "Well the world is coming to an end but wouldn't you want to die with a Fosters in your hand?"

    Personally, I'm sick of all these visions of the apocalypse that have become as plentiful as Breakfast cereals on the isles of the supermarket of the  next  millennium.

    I'm waiting for ads like:

    "The hour is growing late: the Post Alphabits

    Spell d-o-o-m."

    "The forces of destruction have been eating their

    Wheates, boy, while the Rice Krispies of righteousness'

    Grow cold and soggy.  Perhaps this is the way the world ends

    Not with a whimper or a bang but with a Snap, Crackle, and a Pop."


    The world's goin' to hell and we know it

    Why not make a show of it

    Buy your tickets for the end of the world

    From the breakfast cereal killers

    The Lucky Charm's leprechaun is an evil pagan

    Imp if ever I've seen one...

    The Trix rabbit, an obvious

    Marxist terrorist seeking the redistribution of resources from our children

    to subvert 3rd world rodents like himself...

    While the Fruit Loops bird

    is a homosexual, drug addict...

    The Sugar Smacks Sugar Bear is an androgynous petofile looking to lure our children into his cave of perversions by offering them sugar coated smack...

    Count Chocula is an aging Goth kid and after twenty years he's still painting his fingernails black and secretly hopes Marilin Manson never gets as big as Bauhause...

    The Choa-Choa Puffs coo coo bird belongs in a straight jacket.  His bird droppings have tested positive for cocoa...

    The Quaker Oats  guy is a charismatic cult leader, leading a band of oddly

    dressed, wig-wearing,  mason-like family, religious fanatic breakfast

    Serial killers...

    There's mutiny from stern to bow on the Cap'n  Crunch

    Ship of State. It's  all enough to make you want to

    Head for the beer Aisle.

    Just say it, say it with me:

    Head for the beer Aisle

    Head for the beer Aisle

    Head for the beer Aisle

    Head for the beer Aisle

    Ahhhhh Beer Aisle -- an isle-- like an island of refuge...

    an oasis in the dry cereal wasteland....

    But there is trouble brewing in 6-pack paradise...

    The Four Klidesdales of the Apocalypse ride the random-breathalyzer highways....

    A prophet of marketing says to me: The end of the world is testing well indeed

    And we need nothing less than a major market share of extinction:

    Look at the latest numbers.

    The apocalypse is trafficking well in front of the Elysian Fields, the Rapture, Nirvana Kroger, Star Market, Ralph's, The second coming, Piggly Wiggly

    The devil has 100% brand name recognition

    Among every demographic group....

             ...All except for one small survey set.

    Key groups finds it too all too... too...

    Negative... They like the end of world angle --

    Except for one thing... The ending...

    They want a more upbeat apocalypse....

    Something that tells them like Tony the Tiger does:

    That  it's all going to be GRRRRRRRRREAT!!!!

    They want a cute, warm-fuzzy

    Product tie in: a kind of tickle me Anti-Christ Doll...

    or Beelzebub Beanie Babies.

    This is important business here.

    This is going to be big.  

    Bigger than Mardi Gras.  

    Bigger than the Super Bowl.  

    Bigger than the Labor Day White Sale.  

    It's the end of the world, By God -

    and if we don't get full sponsorship we are