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The Chris Chandler Show

  • Whoop

    WHOOP (please step away from the vehicle)

    I found my inner child,

    but someone else's inner child beat him up and stole his lunch money.

    I saw my missing humanity on the back of a milk carton and noticed the expiration date had passed.

    I long for that feeling of security when I step from my brand new vehicle and the closing of the door makes that sound . . .

    1. . . safe.

    You know I bet somewhere out there it's somebody's job to make a new car sound that way. When you close the door. . .

    1. . . safe.
    The car alarm only adds to the experience . . .

    1. . . Whoop.

    Sometimes I think I need a bigger Whoop. . .

    1. . . WHOOP.

    Yet still, I have this nettling dread that somewhere out there. . . there are angry, underclass, urban black people that want to steal my lawn furniture and pool toys.

    We need more security.

    We need more cops on the streets. Higher walls. More bars on windows. We need more handguns. We should be able to carry concealed weaponsbut ONLY WE should be able to carry them. We need more bullet proof vests. We need more therapists.

    We need more driver side airbags. We need more passenger side airbags. We should have pedestrian air bags. We need more vigilant right winged talk show hosts. I need a better car alarm.

    Whoop! Please step away from the vehicle.

    We need more urine tests. We need more latex. We need more tamper-proof packaging. We need more wax on fruit. We need more DDT, no, less DDT.

    Whoop! Do not penetrate the shrink wrapped vegetables.

    We need more plastic surgery to protect us from time itself. Time is a thief, and I want to see it number one on America's Most Wanted.

    Time should not be allowed to speed up

    during moments of excitement, nor to slow down during moments of tedium. Time should be ordered to arrive on time.

    Finishing school should be a requirement for negative entropy.

    In the remote chance that a snowball ever does have a chance in Hell, heads should roll.

    We need tougher and more mandatory sentencing laws. We need more prisons. We need more death penalty statutes. We need more electric chairs. Hell, we should have electric sofas. We should have electric dining room sets. A lethal injection happy hour, two for the price of one. And an all you can eat hemlock salad bar and buffet. We should banish all uncertainty.

    All spontaneous utterances should be memorized in advance and submitted before a select subcommittee for approval.

    Whoop! Please step away from the vehicle.

    All sports events should follow the exemplary model provided by professional wrestling. All final scores should be posted prior to the start of each contest to avoid possible anxiety regarding the game's outcome.

    Whoop! Please step away from the vehicle.

    All flights of the imagination should be grounded and searched for dangerous and smuggled cargo.

    Whoop! Please step away from the vehicle.

    All monsters should remain under the bed and not fraternize with skeletons in the closet.

    Whoop! Please step away from the vehicle.

    Whoop, protect me - whoop Whoop, WHOOP, PROTECT ME!!! I have a vile of Prosac® in one hand and a handgun in the other.



    Is that what this country was founded on?

    Wasn't this country founded by people who were willing to sail across the known horizon in search of unknown land?

    It was the risk takers that went. The meek ones stayed back in Europe saying, "You guys go ahead, really I wanna come-- but I've just want to finish this last Victor Hugo novel. We'll be along as soon as you get settled, as soon as you tame the wilderness-- as soon as you get cable."

    So they went, and this country was founded on the spontaneity of thievery. But today, only the thievery remains. For we are run by demagogues who run on campaign promises and say they can make the trains run on time. But don't you see, that's the point, the trains are not supposed to run on time.

    We're supposed to spend time in train stations, hanging out, looking at total strangers, making eye contact with total strangers. . .

    1. . . falling in love with total strangers.

    What we need is protection from all this...


    Whoop was written by Phil Rockstroh and Chris Chandler

    It was originally released on "generica" by Stark Raving Chandler

    And was used as the title poem in the book "Protection from all this safety"

    By Rockstroh and Chandler