The Chris Chandler Show

  • Muse and Whirled Retort 2017

    The Muse and Whirled Retort 1-17

    T.H.E. .M.U.S.E. .A.N.D. .W.H.I.R.L.E.D. .R.E.T.O.R.T.

    January, 2017
    Santa Cruz, CA

    Ahh... a look back at the year's events... No, wait... No, please... it was a terrible year - I don't want to look back at it...

    ... but a medical examiner must look at the corpse...

    To start the year... On January, 01 the mighty Mississippi, mother of our country, rose her mighty waters to close refineries along her shores... Only to find that by year's end the corporation will prove mightier than the river as Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson is appointed Secretary of State.

    Also in January, David Bowie debuts his first posthumous Album with the teasingly taunting title "Lazarus."

    Meanwhile America's only political Party "The Demopublican Oligarchy'" divided into two camps and held separate events where each candidate gave speaches with the creative and imaginary title of, "Debate."

    Donald Trump was officially endorsed by Sarah Palin inspiring the self proclaimed, "Oregon Militia" to take over a wildlife preserve so they could continue to duck hunt.

    The cast of Duck Dynasty follow suite and also endorse Donald Trump.

    On my Birthday, In January NASA gave me a flower. Yes, on my birthday the first flower grown in outer space bloomed for the first time.

    By February Donald Trump breaks away from the pack of the far far right side of the oligarchy as the other candidates begin jumping out of the clown car.

    Meanwhile on the merely far right side of the oligarchy, Hillary Clinton declares her self the winner by ignoring a 72 year old Jewish Socialist.

    Bernie Sanders is then gagged and placed inside a holding cell somewhere beneath a statue of Blind Lady Justice and is not heard from again until he endorses the oligarchy.

    Again, rising waters speak to the world as the tiny Island of Fiji becomes to the first country to endorse the UN climate deal. Twenty days later Tropical Cyclone Winston kills 29 as the most powerful storm in the southern Hemisphere.

    Meanwhile, an explosion at Severnaya coal mine in Vorkuta, Russia kills 36 as Russia anounces it will not sign the same treaty because it needs more time to study the effects of coal mining on its economy.

    In March, Forbes Magazine announces that the number of billionaires has actually shrunk to under 2000 but fails to mention that the number of people on living below the poverty line has grown by 40%

    In the US the Oligarchy wins on Super Tuesday.

    Ben Carsons jumps from the clown car to accept a cabinet position for which he has zero qualifications other than he is the only known black republican.

    Astronomers in Proxima Centauri announce discovery Pofroxima-like planet named named Earth

    In Charlotte, North Carolina, Black American Keith Lamont Scott is found guilty of being in posthumous possession of an officers ammunition.

    Later in September the two sides of the Oligarchy Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton present a series of speeches called a debate. The predetermined outcome is Hillary wins. All polls agree.

    The Washington Post releases a video tape of Donald Trump boasting of forced groping. The entire population condemns him and secretly votes for him. Polls are unsure if the reason they secretly voted for him because of the forced groping, or because of his plans of forced deportations, Isolationism, Islamophobia, his boasts of cheating on his taxes, or because we are all just batshit crazy...

    In North Dakota, a battalion of American Veterans of Oil Wars I, II and III are deployed to North Dakota to face off against American Oil Companies and win for the first time. Afterall, those veterans had fought to insure other countries are free to destroy their own environment to bring us oil, not realizing we could frac ourselves to extinction right here at home.

    Bob Dylan becomes the first songwriter to ever win the Nobel Prize for literature.

    Patti Smith performs a song in Dylan's Mysterious absence and forgets the words, "I'll know my song well before I start singing."

    "Hamilton becomes the highest grossing play in Broadway history - which is not surprising considering it costs over 50 Pictures of Alexander Hamilton to get in to this "Theatre for the People." The cast reacts by lecturing Vice President Elect Mike Pence on serving all the people - not just the ones that can afford to see "Hamilton."

    In Oakland, CA those that could not afford to see Hamilton crowded into warehouses and threw their own party.

    White supremacist Dylan Roof is found guilty of the Charleston Church Massacre which killed 9, Chicago Police superintendent scoffs, "9 People, is that all?"

    President Elect Donald Trump's receives his first phone call congratulating him on his victory from Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte who boasts they did not need trials in his country because he killed suspected criminals personally.

    Recounts show that the other side of the oligarchy won the popular vote by 3 million votes. Multiple Bankruptcy recipient Donald Trump calls that a mandate.

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    updated: 5 years ago