The Chris Chandler Show

A Toast to the Stage Hands

So this lawyer dies and gets into heaven – Saint Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, come on in."

This politician gets to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, come on in."

The stagehand gets there, and Saint Peter says, "The loading dock is around the back."

Ya know the difference between a homeless person and a stagehand?

A laminate.

That's how most of the jokes go… 'cuz ya see…

,,,the stagehand never gets celebrated – he is too busy setting the stage for the celebration.  In fact, there can be no celebration without him – nothing like doing the load in for your own party. So I say its time for a toast to the stagehand…

… the noble profession. The world's third oldest profession. The stagehand.

I mean the oldest is the prostitute, the second is the pimp. Somebody had to set the stage for the ultimate in live entertainment.

So…
Here's to you, the stage hand… all of you … the wrench slingers, the truss climbers, the box pushers and doc jockeys, the color girls and best boys, the cookie cutters, merch mongers and back line humpers. The leggers of decks, the guitar and drum techs.  The tour managers, the projection booth anglers, and dog and pony wranglers. The shop stewards and dressing room screwers.

You know why sound men only count to two? "Check one two" 'cos on "three" you have to lift.

What do you call a stage electrician with a hammer? A thief.

Here's to you and all your quirky rivalries.

May the war between the tweaks and the squints ever rage.  I sometimes think the rivalry was created by management, knowing that the two would so often race each other to get their rig up first – as we all push towards that moment – the one we all do this for – that second… when the house lights go to half… and the hush silence befalls the crowd… and then they go out.

THAT!
That is the most important moment in the universe.

For it is in that second ANYTHING can happen, and it usually does.

If we have done our job… we can sit together beneath the blue lights, head sets engaged and listen for the moment of silence in which you can actually hear the squeaking of a hinge, that could only be the opening of the door to wonder.

You know how many stage electricians it takes to screw in a light bulb?
It's not a light bulb, it's a lamp.  

You know the difference between a stagehand and a pig?
You won't find a pig wandering around a hotel lobby looking for a stagehand.

Without the lights, the show would be… radio.

So tune in my friends – stay tuned – and tune that damn thing.

From usher to producer, diva to downrigger, performer to intermission lobby bartender: not a single task more important than the other.

Yes, here's to you…
You…
….behind the lights,
….behind the set,
….behind the crowd,
….behind the marquee,
….behind the mask,
….behind the scene,

YOU are the scene.

Here's to the finest of the fine print in the program – the finer the print the finer the job.

The ushers, the catchers, the shooters, the handlers, the roach coach poachers, and the ghost lamp lighters.

The LD, the SD, the CD, the TD, the SM, the MC, the ME, the PA, A1, L2, and 3D glasses passers.

Here's to you, show people…'cause there's no people like show people like no people I know.  

Here's to you that put the "U" and the "S"...the "US" in show business...

...by putting the "You" in US.

Stagehands/ Bloom
Chris Chandler/Paul Benoit

“If you really want to help the theater, don't be an actress. Be an audience.” -  Tallulah Bankhead

Paul Benoit: Guitar, Bass, and Vocals
Dan Weber: drums
Chris Chandler: Spoken Word

Recorded originally at: lost and found by: Blake Harkins
with additional tracks at 31st Ave Studio by: Jakael Tristam, Seattle, WA