T.H.E. M.U.S.E. .A.N.D. .W.H.I.R.L.E.D. .R.E.T.O.R.T.
Vol. XIII issue iii
December
2011Oakland, CA

THIS IS A SPECIL ENCORE HOLIDAY EDITION!

BUT FIRST! what holiday would not be complete with out
The new Chandler/Benoit CD titled "Matadors" !

It is done and on the shelves here in our little basement in Oakland, CA

Thanks to those of you who contributed!

You could order your copy of it right now for only $15 by clicking on the picture of the album cover or right here:

I Want The New Chandler CD!

or pasting:
http://www.celticartstudio.com/store/Matadors_CD.html

Or you can write a check payable to Ninth Wave Publishing and send it to:
Ninth Wave Publishing
C/O Chris Chandler
1095 E 33rd Street,
Oakland, CA 94610

AND SECOND!
Jen and I have the Celtic Art Studio up and humming -
2012 Calendars, Datebooks, T SHirts Fine Art Prints and brand new Keep-Sake boxes
all appropriately festooned with Jens scrumptious artwork!

please visit us at www.celticartsudi.com
AND NOW ENOUGH OF THE CRASS COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCEMENTS

T.H.E. M.U.S.E. .A.N.D. .W.H.I.R.L.E.D. .R.E.T.O.R.T.
Vol. XIII issue iii
December
2011Oakland, CA
(This is a special holiday encore R.E.T.O.R.T. from December of 2007)

Santa Reacts to the Melting Polar Ice Caps
by Chris Chandler

I have been watching the History Channel's new series called Ice Road Truckers ®.  Many wondered why the show was picked up by The History Channel but if you think about it, with the melting polar ice caps the whole concept is soon to be well. . .  History.  In fact they are already in production for next year's season to be called The North Pole Midshipmen. 



Henry Hudson and Stan Rogers would be proud.  We have found the North West Passage.  The big disappointment though is Santa has been forced to relocate his shop.  It was a move that did not surprise many toy manufactures.  It had been projected for years.



It seems the global warming problem coupled with the rising cost of reindeer feed and new demands made by the Elves have caused the economic viability of The North Pole facilities to become obsolete.  Rising demand by American children insisting higher and higher quantities of T.M.X. Elmo eXtra Special Edition, Pleno the Dinosaur, and Fisher Price Lil Super Star Sing Along Karaoke Machine had sent the Elves into triple overtime.  Santa simply had to find someone of a similar height to keep up with demand. 



The Choice was obvious:  Chinese Children.  It seems the sweat shops in China are well equipped to keep up with demand and Chinese Children will work for less than those pudgy cookie eating elves. 

 So this year the sleigh has been replaced with a rickshaw pulled by a team of Chinese flying water buffalo.  Donder, Blitzen and the gang have found work in this season's long awaited sequel "Crouching Tiger, Flying Reindeer." 



"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!"   Has now been replaced with "On Kung Pao, and Lo mein! Moo shu! And Wanton!"  Of course we can't forget "General Tso the Red nosed Gnu." 



Hardest hit by all of this are the Elves that are now seeing 80 percent unemployment - especially after an embarrassing incident in a celebrity dance competition.  Besides Santa, the only regular hirer of Elves is the Keebler ® company and come-on, how many Pecan Sandies and Danish Wedding Cookies can ya stand?   



Travelocity considered a few commercial spots with the "Roaming Gnome" but the "Itinerant Elves" just didn't have the same ring.  Good fortune (if you want to call it that) has only come to a few of Santa's rebel Elves who had been living on the wrong side of the Pole.  Sources say over a dozen were paid well by Howard Stern for appearing in an episode on his TV show exploring the subtleties of Midget Porn. 



Frosty the Snowman seems to have survived for now and is living in the walk in freezer at a This Can't Be Yogurt ®  just outside Dubuque, IA.  There was a brief fear he was going to change his name to Aquafina ® the Water boy.  But Lydia James, a 37 year old Barista - still living with her parents, stepped up and put her job on the line saying she could not stand the thought of his lump of coal eyeballs sinking to the bottom of a water cooler somewhere with his carrot nose and corn cob pipe floating on top. 



Perhaps the biggest concern will be for Mrs. Claus who now finds herself at the age of one hundred and eight forced to sew Barbie ® sized jackets for the ever popular "Singing Hannah Montana Doll."  But what is she complaining about?  The current rate for sewing one of those jackets is 1 cent per dozen. (really) 



But lets not talk about the losers.  The winners are of course the children.  

And that is what Christmas is all about.  With Santa's exodus from the North Pole he no longer needs to worry about restrictions he once endured.   Toys will be brighter and more beautiful than ever this Christmas season with new higher tech lead paints once restricted in the North Pole facilities. 



How else can Santa keep those Wal-Mart ® shelve stocked with X-Box, Furreal Friend's Remote control Ponies, and for the teenage Girl the Text Msg electronic Diary.



D.D. ?4U y 5555 over bf? Need 2 poahf & get afc 



Santa and his elves just could not compete.  They have those kids working 19 hours a day.  They can sleep on the floor next to their assembly line post.  Elves wouldn't stand for that. (Although there have been vicious rumors circulating about the Keebler Company's work schedule)  

One supporter of the move was heard to say, "

Those kids can work for a cup of rice a week.  Every Elf needs the occasional Nutter Butter.  Those Chinese kids don't need no stinkin' Nutter Butter.  Those shelves have to be stocked.  Have to.  It's Christmas. And if we have to whip the kids in China to make sure American kids have a good Christmas than By-God we will. Those Chinks aren't Christian and for that matter neither are the Elves.  They are Pagan.  They'll burn in hell anyway.  So what difference does it make?!  It's Christmas!  What would Wal-Mart ® be with out well stocked shelves?  There would be no Christmas!

"

And besides this is not Santa's first move.  His exile into isolation at the North Pole came when he was forced (again by the Americans) to move from his native Russia during the McCarthy era.  This won't even be Santa's first time living in a communist country.  Despite Washington Irving and The Saturday Evening Post's best efforts, he in fact remained in Russia well past the Boshvic Revolution and even through his courtship with Coca Cola in the 1930's.  Yes, that benevolent bearded pipe smoking man you see wistfully depicted in Coke Ads from the 30s was in fact a Commie. 



There is a radical splinter group of Santa die hard do gooders (mostly housed in the left wing of the Catholic Church)  who maintain Santa's Move,  -- what with his big heart and stalwart  reputation --  believe his secret agenda is to transform the sweatshop environment.



However, the larger bodies with in most churches have joined the crusade this Christmas.   It seems that those Chinese children have a monopoly ® on the manufacture of Crucifixes and other religious items including the New Testament ® itself.  (really) 



First it was all the American Flags, now the bible?  



Some Protestant churches have joined in (at least in spirit) and are replacing actors in their Christmas Living Manger pageants with workers from Guatemala found hanging outside the home Depot.  Yes, this year the three wise men are actually named Rafael, Ricco and Carlos.  The good news is. . .  the baby Jesus?  His name really is Jesus. . . (Hey Zeus) . . . the two year old son of Mary and Juan of Corpus Christi, Texas.



As for the Crucifixes, even ones clearly marked "made in Italy" (leaving one to presume by tranquil monks) were in fact made in China in Sweatshops under deplorable conditions. (really)



So the next time you see a lawn lit with a plastic baby Jesus just ask,  "Where was Jesus Made?"

************************
A.N.NO.U.N.C.M.E.N.T.S.
The new CD would make a lovely holiday gift.
You could order your copy of it right now for only $15 by clicking on the picture of the album cover or right here:

I Want The New Chandler CD!

or pasting:
http://www.celticartstudio.com/store/Matadors_CD.html

Or you can write a check payable to Ninth Wave Publishing and send it to:
Ninth Wave Publishing
C/O Chris Chandler
1095 E 33rd Street,
Oakland, CA 94610
**********************
Jen and I have the Celtic Art Studio up and humming -
2012 Calendars, Datebooks, T SHirts Fine Art Prints and brand new Keep-Sake boxes
all appropriately festooned with Jens scrumptious artwork!

please visit us at www.celticartsudi.com
********************
Two new Vidoes:
Things are crazy here in Oakland! Perhaps you have heard.

I made the following two videos this month with footage I shot from Occupy Oakland.

I am working on a third for Hali Hammer and it will be out very soon.

click I want to See the new Video or paste http://youtu.be/ilExjbNj5HY
for Chris Chandler and Paul Benoit “One Percent/Ten Ton Shoes”

Click I want to See the David Rovics Video or paste http://youtu.be/9LESL6naY-s            
for David Rovics “Stay Right Here”

follow on Occupy Oakland on Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/messages/?action=read&tid=gVUUAPpWoL4Yk/Hrl7gr1Q#!/groups/occupyoaktown/




**********************
T.H.A.N.K.Y.O.U.
Jen, Paul, Frankie, Jarrod, Shaun, Michelle, Tom, Jenn, Peter, Daphne, Harry Levine, Grace Cox, The Tallhouse Consortium,  the Undertown, Egan’s Jam House, Shaun Divine, Chris Abbey, Vanessa Hounk, Marsea Star, Duke, The Matrix, Moon, Roger Baker, Blake, Jakael, Frank, Dorothy, Karen, Alan, Fishman, Kodak Harrison, Java Monkey, Anne Feeney, Shirley Myers, Amy Sue Berlin, Bev Grant, Hali Hammer, David Rovics
***************
H.E.R.E.’.S. .D.A. .D.A.T.E.S.
Upcoming Events:

Friday, December 2nd, 2011 5:00 PM
Occupy San Francisco - the Federal Building
Justin Herman Plaza
1 Market St

San Francisco, CA 94101
with David Rovics as my accompanist.
with Jello Biafra and Blackberri, David Rovics, SF Labor Chorus, Francisco Herrera, Hali Hammer, Eliot Kenin's Spirit of 29, Bonnie Lockhart,

Friday, December 9th, 2011 8:00 PM
with Chris Chandler and Frankie Hernandez at Chris and Jen's home.
My former music partner will be in town and we decided to put on a show at Our house!
A house Concert
1095 E 33rd St

Oakland, CA 94610
phone: 240 476 4976
website: https://chrischandler.org
My old music partner is going to be in town on a tour of his own music and we decided we should do a show together.


Saturday, December 10th, 2011 7-9 PM
Alameda Poetry Series
Frank Bette Center for the Arts
1601 Paru at Lincoln

Alameda, CA
The event runs 7-9 and includes an open mic following the features.  2 Features will each have 20-25 minutes.


Sunday, December 18th, 2011 9:00 PM
Northbay Poetry Feature
Hopmonk Tavern
230 Petaluma ave

Sebastopol, CA 95472
website: http://www.hopmonk.com
NORTHBAY POETRY SLAM
Web Site http://www.hopmonk.com
Hopmonk Tavern
230 Petaluma ave
Sebastopol  CA 95472

Description NORTHBAY POETRY SLAM W/ BeSage @ Hopmonk Tavern, Sebastopol CA 5$ - 2 ND SUNDAYS 6PM DOORS / SIGN UPS 7PM OPEN MIC 8PM SLAM 3 ROUNDS 3 MIN MAX 3 RANDOM JUDGES 3 PREPARED POEMS ALL AGES PRIZES: of gross ticket profits

Monday, December 19th, 2011 7:00 PM
Poetry Express Poetry Feature
Priya Restaurant
2072 San Pablo Avenue (between Addison St & University Ave) 

Berkeley, CA
phone: (510) 644-3977
website: http://www.examiner.com/sf-in-san-francisco/east-bay-poetry-express-repeats-every-monday-night-at-priya-indian-restaurant-berkeley
Dinner with poets at 7
Open Mic at 7:20
Feature at 7:45
I will read solo for about 25 Mins.  Free