The Chris Chandler Show

  • Muse and Whirled Retort Archives 2007

    The Muse and Whirled Retort - August, 2007

    T.H.E. .M.U.S.E. .A.N.D. .W.H.I.R.L.E.D. .R.E.T.O.R.T.

    August 1, 2007

    Volume VIII Issue x

    Seattle, WA

    T.A.B.L.E. .O.F. .C.O.N.T.E.N.T.S.


    How to get stuff Greetings and quick run down of recent past and the near future T.h.e. .M.u.s.e. .a.n.d. .W.h.i.r.l.e.d. .R.e.t.o.r.t Announcements "Thank You!" Dates


    H.O.W. .T.O. .G.E.T. .S.T.U.F.F.Myspace  BS.  You can download or listen to a few songs for free there.  www.myspace/chrischandlerorg


    YES! They are actually at CD Baby!!!


    2.Greetings and Quick rundown of personal news:  


    I only bother ya once a month - and as always I vow to talk about things other than myself.

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    It was quite the drive from St Louis - where we last spoke to seattle down to the country fair and further (as the saying goes) to Santa Cruz and back up.

    I have had a blast working with Paul Benoit on the west coast.  He adds a casualness to the show that it has always needed.  And what a smokin player! We met years ago when my band "Avoiding Godot"  (remember them?  David Rovics, Samantha Parton and Oliver Steck)  and Paul's band "Hanuman" shared a stage together.  I am sure many of you out there remember Hanuman.  His website

    I will be crossing the country in the middle of the month and right now have dates only in South Dakota (a new state for me!) and Winona Minnesota.  See below for deets - and if you have any ideas about where else to play drop me a line..

    And enough of the news about me... It's that thime of the month again!  that's right folks its time for (Trumpets blare - cymbols clash - a midget dressed in red white and blue stands upon a donkey painted like a zebera.  Into his megaphone he shouts....  


    T.H.E. .M.U.S.E. .A.N.D. .W.H.I.R.L.E.D. .R.E.T.O.R.T.

    The Muse and Whirled Retort

    August 1, 2007

    Volume VIII Issue x

    Seattle, WA

    Is it me or have there just been scores of sports stories off the sports page lately?  

    Is it because these are real stories or because they are trying to pump us up and make us feel like a nation of Iraqi soccer fans?

    The Iraqi soccer team upsets Saudi Arabia (BTW: ever wonder about the origin of the word "upset" as a sports term?  Man-O-War, the famed race horse, lost exactly one race - the name of the horse that defeated Man-O-War:  Upset)  Anyway, the Iraqis win a soccer match and there are riots on the streets - wait there are riots on the streets everyday.  When the Improvised Explosive Device went off in the crowd I thought for a minute that we had really Americanized the Iraqi people and they were celebrating the way we do like when The Patriots beat The Oilers and cars get over turned, set on fire, and there is at least one shooting involving an athlete at a strip club.  Nothing says sportsmanship like good old fashioned homicide.

    Actually I am really glad the Iraqis are doing well in soccer.  I do think there is something to the notion that sports brings a community together.  The Detroit Tigers won the 1968 world Series just after race riots nearly burned the city to the ground.  In 2006 in their first post-Katrina season my always-awful New Orleans Saints shocked even me by coming inches from going to the Super Bowl. The people celebrated as if hell had frozen over.  There were reports of ice forming on The River Styx.  So I do congratulate the Iraqi club.  But I don't know why we make that hell freezing over analogy - I think hell must be cold - Look at Dick Cheney â€" he  is clearly from there and he's colder than a witch’s tit... in a brass bra... being felt up by Jimmy Swaggart.  

    Anyway, hell has to be cold â€" after all - heat rises.  And one more thing... why do people say things like, "It's colder than hell?"

    If you believe in such things shouldn't it always be colder than hell?  but I digress...

    Soccer is unquestionably the most popular sport in the world.  It is one of the few cases where it seems the poorest, most oppressed countries are better.  It doesn't matter where you are - or how poor your country is -  a handful of guys can come up with a ball - and poof! you have a game.  In this country Basketball is the king of the poor.  Here, we are so wealthy that even in our poorest ghettos one can find a flat paved surface and a backboard.

    In New Orleans, I remember seeing  a milk crate with the bottom cut out nailed to a telephone pole.  A stolen Stop sign also nailed into place for a backboard.  Kids playing - hard, like their lives depended on it -  and in some ways it does.  Seems like there are only two ways out of the ghetto, basketball or drugs.  God, I hope those kids play well.

    Seems like this month that the sports world has really started resembling the rest of our society:  shrouded in controversy.  Referees betting on the basketball games they officiate.  Charles Barkley said, "They didn't need refs in Basketball but they had to give the white guys something to do."  

    But betting on games they officiate?  Why that’s as scandalous as... as... starting a war and awarding lucrative contracts to the company you were the head of -- and still have stock in!

    Fixing professional games is not terribly unlike fixing the federal court system - only in sports you are more likely to get caught.  Because - well, it’s run by Vegas and those guys don't kid around.  Perhaps we should get Vegas to keep an eye on Gonzales.

    Sure, in Vegas the house would usually wins - but isn't that what happens in Washington already?  Actually, I have often thought that Vegas would make a more suitable Capitol than Washington DC. In Vegas you can actually watch the poor people come in and leave all their money with rich people.  And it’s no secret that everything is for sale in Vegas†and I mean everything. And Vegas makes no pretense about transparency or openness.  Maybe Vegas could attract the government - maybe build them a new Capitol building - say with a retractable roof†and a catchy slogan like, â€"What happens in the White House STAYS in the White House.â€

    Everytime you turn around there is some steroid case in bicycle racing - thus fixing the race - but in sports - they seem to catch the guy and throw him out.  Maybe we could get the folks that monitor the Tour de France to monitor our elections.

    I was just in San Francisco where Barry Bonds' home-run run is controversial for a very different reason than Atlanta's Hank Aaron's.   Too bad that Barry Bonds is accused of using steroids - if he pillaged and plundered a foreign country for personal gain â€" they probably could have kept it out of the papers.  But no, a professional athlete using steroids - that should be on the front page every day.  But these strict standards of accountability don’t seem to apply to our elected officials.

    Being originally from Atlanta it was kind of hard not to notice the scandal surrounding my city’s latest favorite son: Michael Vick (tm).

    He has been accused of being a part of a dog fighting ring.  Now, of course I don't condone the sport - but I also don't condone horse racing - where horses are often run to death and put down if they have an injury.  Excuse me, I didn’t mean to use children's-speak.  The horse is not â€"put down†- it is not â€"put to sleep†- it is executed. But horse racing is an avocation of the wealthy.  If horse racing were a ghetto subculture it would be disdained.  But poor people can't afford horses - they can afford dogs.

    If they wore suits and had luxury skyboxes it would probably be OK.  

    I want to print some of the Lyrics to a song by my old friend Mike West that seems relevant at this point.  He and I were neighbors, even roomates in a particularly poor neighborhood in New Orleans where (yes) dog fighting was common.

    The Dog Song

    By Mike West

    how do you make your dog so strong

    find a car tire and tie it on

    to his collar, then make him pull it along

    that way your dog'll be strong

    how do you make your dog want to fight

    keep him hungry and keep his chain tight

    then let him loose on the levee tonight

    wave a bloody rag and he'll fight

    how do you make your dog stay dumb

    don't let him learn from anyone

    don't let him do nothing but bark and run

    that way your dog'll stay dumb


    i got a good dog

    i call him black

    he don't let go

    when he put on a bite

    i lost some money

    but i'll get it back

    when i lay my bet tonight . . .

    1. .  how do you make a man like a doghell that's easy as falling off a log

    just do what i told you in this song

    and any man will be your dog . . .

    1. . how do you make your dog so strongfind a car tire, make him pull it along

    but be sure and teach him right from wrong

    'cause your dog gonna eat you if it gets too strong

    ©1996 Mike West

    I highly recommend all of his work - he is one of my favorite songwriters:

    I really don't think that NFL officials are appalled at a blood sport (I mean really) Hell how many kids in the NFL came from the University of South Carolina Game Cocks?  But they are appalled at having it revealed that one of thier major product lines --Michael Vick (tm)-- came from a culture that no one really wants to look at.  Its bad for buisness. And the annalogy of how they are bred is a little close to home.

    Dogs have been bred to fight since before Lassie was a puppie.Then ya think about Abu-Ghraib .   Its OK to let dogs terrorize people - just not other dogs.

    One of the big ironies of this particularly brutal pastime is there have several federal attempts to regulate and criminalize dogfighting, but the initiatives have been consistently thwarted by pro-life republicans who say that the federal government cannot offer protection to dogs if they don't protect fetuses... really...

    Now, I don't know if  Michael Vick (tm) is innocent or guilty - I know that’s what we have a court system for.  I also have no idea how or why wealthy superstars -- who are a few football games out of the ghetto --  spend their money. I could conceive of a scenario where the guy just gave his friends money - I know lots of overly wealthy athletes support a whole slew of people - that they rarely see.  The point is: I just don't know.  

    I know the guy has not been found guilty of a crime - and he has already lost his job - and all of the perks and endorsements that go along with it. They have taken his replica jersey off the market. Hell, they are even opening up packages of bubble-gum and removing his card from the packages.  They are erasing him from existence.  And I am not crying about it either.  But what I wonder is if it's good for Miceal Vick (tm) why not --- say the president?

    He has not YET been found guilty - but he is equally as obviously guilty as "Convict-Vick" (patent pending).  Can't we have George sit on the sidelines until we convict him?  Can't we take away all the references to George W Bush... like...  Ya know those souvenir plates you buy in kitsch shops in DC with pictures of the President?

    Couldn't we go all Soviet Union on him and erase him from the history books.  It would be so... so... ummm... American.


    4   A.N.N.O.U.N.C.M.E.N.T.S.

    Myspace  BS.  You can download or listen to a few songs for free there.  www.myspace/chrischandlerorg

    please drop by and register me as a friend (tm) I don't like it - but club owners actually have told me I did not have enough friends to play at thier club.

    Sheeze... like I have time to do that.  But hey you could do me a favor by dropping by

    to listen to a tune - see a video or just say hi - and call me a friend : (

    OK OK... I have NEVER used the frowny face - that is how strongly i feel about it.

    Yes, the owner of Myspace - Rupert Murdoch has just purchased The Wall Street Journal

    I have just tried to make the wall street journal one of my "friends"  but the jurry is still out.


    I am looking for dates in NY Boston, Philly Baltimore, DC, CT RI in Early November as well as Dates in GA in Late November - and I am thinking Texas in Late November, Early December.


    The leaking transmission continues to leak.  Getting nervous.  I am one car breakdown away from hitchhiking.


    For my Kerrville family:  Our Beloved Cookie is approaching his time of departure; a sad time for all those who know and love him. Thank you ALL: to those who donated to the COOKIE FUND that was set up at various points during the Festival. The money was used to help keep Cookie in medicine and doctors; so from the bottom of our hearts, THANK YOU.

    Cookie’s family has made arrangement at the Kerrville Funeral Home. The date is still unknown and hopefully still a time away.

    His Family is trying to raise $1500 to cover a basic cremation and viewing. They could use up to $3000 to cover all expenses both expected and unexpected so that they are able to give Cookie the funeral he deserves. He is a wonderful person that has helped the Ranch and others his whole life.

    Any and all donations should be mailed to either the Funeral Agency or to Cookie:

    Allen (Cookie) Blackard

    C/O Theresa Blackard

    224A Derrek Road

    Kerrville, TX 78028

    Our Beloved Cookie has requested that the only memorial of him be a tree and a plaque at the Quiet Valley Ranch, hopefully a time still away; in our prayers; a time with little pain.



    On June 21st funding for the School of the Americas was authorized by a mere 6 votes... We get closer than ever to closing that monstrosity. 203 members of Congress supported the amendment to cut off funding... the most ever!

    Check to read about the United States' terrorist training camp. At there is a clickable link to find out how your member of Congress voted.

    See you at Fort Benning November 16-18th


    I love you all and please feel free to drop me a line any time.


    5   T.H.A.N.K.S. .T.H.I.S. .M.O.N.T.H. .T.O.:

    Paul Benoit, Anne Feeney, Wiktor, Jeanie Jasperse, Amy Cate, Cam, Corey, Bear, Linda Divendorf, Jim Evangalista, Alex Mc Peak, Adam and Kris, Rania Rose, Frankie Hernandez, Caryn Simmons, Robyn Shanti,  KBOO, Brino QTN, The Whole Earth Cafe, The whitker Park Concert Series, Michelle,  Judith Jeff and Jessica at The Beat Museum, John Cassady, oh what the hell... Neal Cassady, John Sandige, KPIG, Hali Hammer, Steve Zeltzer and all the folks at Labor Fest, Randy, Tim and Issabella, Louis La Fortune, Shelly D'Amoure, Lu-Sea, Tom Noddy, Tom Miller, John Mc Cowen and all the folks at the Clay Street House Concert Series, Amy, Gary Miller, Rand, Janet Bates, Amy Morrison, Bill Moyer and all the terrific folks at The Back Bone Campaign,   The Good Shepard Center, Ela Lamblin, Vishal Nagar, Ujwal Nagar, Vivian Mc Peak, Charlotte Thistle, Harry Levine, all the good folks at Plenty, Chad Asskitchen,  and all of you that threw a quarter in the tip basket, bought a CD or just said hello !

    along the way.


    6   N.O.W. .H.E.R.E.S. .D.A. .D.A.T.E.S..

    updated: 14 years ago