The Chris Chandler Show

  • Muse and Whirled Retort Archives 2007

    The Muse and Whirled Retort - December 2007

    chandler - the website

    T.H.E. .M.U.S.E. .A.N.D. .W.H.I.R.L.E.D. .R.E.T.O.R.T.
    Vol IX issue iii
    December 1, 2007
    Atlanta, GA

    Chandler listed at Antifolk site!

    In DC a few days ago George Bush met with Al Gore.  I think it was George's way of fighting global warming.  After the 2000 election, I always figured hell would freeze over before that happened. But no.  Hell is not freezing over.   I know.  I have been watching the History Channel's new series called Ice Road Truckers.  Many wondered why the show was picked up by The History Channel but if you think about it, with the melting polar ice caps the whole concept is soon to be well. . .  History.  In fact they are already in production for next year's season to be called The North Pole Midshipmen.

    Henry Hudson and Stan Rogers would be proud.  We have found the North West Passage.  The big disappointment though is Santa has been forced to relocate his shop.  It was a move that did not surprise many toy manufactures.  It had been projected for years.

    It seems the global warming problem coupled with the rising cost of reindeer feed and new demands made by the Elves have caused the economic viability of The North Pole facilities to become obsolete.  Rising demand by American children insisting higher and higher quantities of T.M.X. Elmo eXtra Special Edition, Pleno the Dinosaur, and Fisher Price Lil Super Star Sing Along Karaoke Machine had sent the Elves into triple overtime.  Santa simply had to find someone of a similar height to keep up with demand.

    The Choice was obvious:  Chinese Children.  It seems the sweat shops in China are well equipped to keep up with demand and Chinese Children will work for less than those pudgy cookie eating elves.

     So this year the sleigh has been replaced with a rickshaw pulled by a team of Chinese flying water buffalo.  Donder, Blitzen and the gang have found work in this season's long awaited sequel "Crouching Tiger, Flying Reindeer."

     "Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!"   Has now been replaced with "On Kung Pao, and Lo mein! Moo shu! And Wanton!"  Of course we can't forget "General Tso the Red nosed Gnu."

     Hardest hit by all of this are the Elves that are now seeing 80 percent unemployment - especially after an embarrassing incident in a celebrity dance competition.  Besides Santa, the only regular hirer of Elves is the Keebler company and come-on, how many Pecan Sandies and Danish Wedding Cookies can ya stand?  

    Travelocity considered a few commercial spots with the "Roaming Gnome" but the "Itinerant Elves" just didn't have the same ring.  Good fortune (if you want to call it that) has only come to a few of Santa's rebel Elves who had been living on the wrong side of the Pole.  Sources say over a dozen were paid well by Howard Stern for appearing in an episode on his TV show exploring the subtleties of Midget Porn.

    Frosty the Snowman seems to have survived for now and is living in the walk in freezer at a This Can't Be Yogurt  just outside Dubuque, IA.  There was a brief fear he was going to change his name to Aquafina the Water boy.  But Lydia James, a 37 year old Barista - still living with her parents, stepped up and put her job on the line saying she could not stand the thought of his lump of coal eyeballs sinking to the bottom of a water cooler somewhere with his carrot nose and corn cob pipe floating on top.

    Perhaps the biggest concern will be for Mrs. Claus who now finds herself at the age of one hundred and eight forced to sew Barbie sized jackets for the ever popular "Singing Hannah Montana Doll."  But what is she complaining about?  The current rate for sewing one of those jackets is 1 cent per dozen. (really)

    But lets not talk about the losers.  The winners are of course the children.  And that is what Christmas is all about.  With Santa's exodus from the North Pole he no longer needs to worry about restrictions he once endured.   Toys will be brighter and more beautiful than ever this Christmas season with new higher tech lead paints once restricted in the North Pole facilities.

    How else can Santa keep those Wal-Mart shelve stocked with X-Box, Furreal Friend's Remote control Ponies, and for the teenage Girl the Text Msg electronic Diary.

    D.D. ?4U y 5555 over bf? Need 2 poahf & get afc

    Santa and his elves just could not compete.  They have those kids working 19 hours a day.  They can sleep on the floor next to their assembly line post.  Elves wouldn't stand for that. (Although there have been vicious rumors circulating about the Keebler Company's work schedule)  

    Those kids can work for a cup of rice a week.  Every Elf needs the occasional Nutter Butter.  Those Chinese kids don't need no stinkin' Nutter Butter.  Those shelves have to be stocked.  Have to.  It's Christmas. And if we have to whip the kids in China to make sure American kids have a good Christmas than By-God we will. Those Chinks aren't Christian and for that matter neither are the Elves.  They are Pagan.  They'll burn in hell anyway.  So what difference does it make?!  It's Christmas!  What would Wal-Mart be with out well stocked shelves?  There would be no Christmas!

    And besides this is not Santa's first move.  His exile into isolation at the North Pole came when he was forced (again by the Americans) to move from his native Russia during the McCarthy era.  This won't even be Santa's first time living in a communist country.  Despite Washington Irving and The Saturday Evening Post's best efforts, he in fact remained in Russia well past the Boshvic Revolution and even through his courtship with Coca Cola in the 1930's.  Yes, that benevolent bearded pipe smoking man you see wistfully depicted in Coke Ads from the 30s was in fact a Commie.

    There is a radical splinter group of Santa die hard do gooders (mostly housed in the left wing of the Catholic Church)  who maintain Santa's Move,  -- what with his big heart and stalwart  reputation --  believe his secret agenda is to transform the sweatshop environment.

    However, the larger bodies with in most churches have joined the crusade this Christmas.   It seems that those Chinese children have a monopoly on the manufacture of Crucifixes and other religious items including the New Testament itself.  (really)

    First it was all the American Flags, now the bible?  

    Some Protestant churches have joined in (at least in spirit) and are replacing actors in their Christmas Living Manger pageants with workers from Guatemala found hanging outside the home Depot.  Yes, this year the three wise men are actually named Rafael, Ricco and Carlos.  The good news is. . .  the baby Jesus?  His name really is Jesus. . . (Hey Zeus) . . . the two year old son of Mary and Juan of Corpus Christi, Texas.

    As for the Crucifixes, even ones clearly marked "made in Italy" (leaving one to presume by tranquil monks) were in fact made in China in Sweatshops under deplorable conditions. (really)

    So the next time you see a lawn lit with a plastic baby Jesus just ask,  "Where was Jesus Made?"

    updated: 14 years ago