Skip to main content

The Chris Chandler Show

  • Muse and Whirled Retort Archives 2004

    The Muse and Whirled Retort November 2004

    The Muse and Whirled Retort November 2004
    First a few announcments:

    To subscribe to this news lletter and recieve it in your e mail in box

    click here

    To Unsubscribe

    click here

    T h e    M u s e    a n d     W h i r l e d     R e t o r t

    Washington, DC

    November 04, 2004

    Volume 6 Issue 2

    Hey Everybody,

    It's that time of the month again.  I usually try to get this out on the first of the month - but with the election on the second I just decided to go ahead and get it out a few days late.  Sure wish I had sent that "we're gonna win it!"  missive on the first instead.  Personally I find it hard to write today - especially write and be funny.

    The truth is, I was so prepared to send out a giganto "Congratulations! We did it!" missive that when Armageddon descended from Florida and landed in Ohio I was so demoralized that it took me a day or two to shake myself from the tar pits and get this letter out.

    I think the creatures who survived the tar pits are the ones who were able to crack a joke about it.  "Hey Triceratops, I'll bet ya a billion years from now there will be these crazy two legged creatures killing each other for the black liquid remains trapped in here."

    "And they'll pay more than 2 bucks a gallon for it."

    "Yea, and they will proclaim their village idiot as their leader too,  right?"

    "No way man, even we wouldn't do that - and we have a brain the size of a walnut."

    "ummm... what's a walnut?"

    Ya ever wake up one day and find your self dumped by your lover?  You know deep in your heart that you were right - but she dumped ya anyway.  You tried to compromise, but it just wasn't going to happen.  That's kinda how  feel.  Only in this particular twisted metaphor I'm not even sure who my lover was.

    Was it John Kerry?  He felt more like a blind date that I was willing to go out with for a short time at the behest of my friends. While it was not a particularly abusive relationship, he was just sort of uninspiring slow and due to one of his injuries in Vietnam he had a spinal cord transplant - but the only spinal cord doner they could find was a banana.

    I was willing to overlook the flaws and continued to go out with him.  He ended up dumping me for an SUV-driving security mommy and I am still hurt.

    (You could say this election is a testament to how hated George Bush actually is.  We ran a candidate that very few actually supported yet the election was still a virtual draw.  Think about - easily 10 to 1 of the votes cast for John Kerry were actually votes against Bush.  Now George Bush believes he has a mandate, but I digress)

    Or was my lover the democratic party?  I had believed that if we just got folks out to vote - we would win this thing.  I even worked to register voters in Texas.  I did get-out-the-vote shows in every swing state.  I seduced the distant democratic party.  But she remained cold and elusive. The more she ignored me - the more I wanted her.  She embraced ideas I couldn't conceive of.  I didn't care.  I wanted her so badly. Every step she took away from me the more I wanted her.  It is true - guys will do ANYTHING as long as they think it's foreplay.  But finally she cut me loose.  And even though she did absolutely nothing for me - I still feel horrible with her gone.

    Or was my lover the American people?  Why did I think if only the American people would show up to vote I would get what I wanted?  Why did I think it was *our* people who don't show up to vote? We had record turnouts. But look who turned out. The hairy knuckles crowd. The Pat Robertson crowd.  The Dr Phil Crowd.  The Big Looser ® crowd.  The American People have spoken.

    So long, I had wanted to hear  her speak.  The idea of her voice was erotic.  It haunted me.  But like a silent movie starlet, once her shrill screechy voice was heard - I never wanted to see her again.  Why did I want her so badly?

    But, regardless of how bad she was, I still feel abandoned. Scouring the newspaper for a new apartment, looking through the personal ads for a new lover, trying to take solace, like we all do at the end of a relationship, in the fact that maybe one day history will prove you right.  Maybe in some future divorce court in the sky - I'll be able to get They Might be Giants records back.  Only by then I will be more concerned with whether or not my harp is in tune.

    There is small comfort in that, though.  At least the Iraq debacle will wholly Mr. Bush's.  He will own it.  It is his mess.  History will show what most of us all already know.  He planned to invade that sovereign country (Evil as it was) long before September 11.  He used our nation's tragedy to further his short-sighted goals. There was no connection between Iraq and Al Quaeda (at least before we invaded Iraq)  There were no weapons of mass destruction.  He lied about it.  He was not given bad information.  He was not misled - He lied.  Yet "personal morals" was the top reason given for republican ballots cast.

    Meanwhile eleven states passed anti-gay legislation. Here we are with millions jobless, social security on the ropes, record deficits, an illegal war and the pressing issue for these folks is men kissing other men. "Personal morals"  has become short hand for "I hate faggots."  Just like "those people"  was civil rights era lingo for "nigger."   Lets be straight about that.  (no pun intended)   You see a "protect the sanctity of marrige bumber sticker - you pull out your sharpie and scroll "This Car Belongs to a Bigot"  Across their windshield.

    Besides, what do "the people" in Missouri know about gays?  Gay couples in Missouri  sure as hell aren't hanging out at the Jeff City courthouse waiting for a marriage license.  They all went to New York or San Francisco ....... where an anti-gay measure could *never* pass... Ya see, where people actually KNOW gays and lesbians, they aren't afraid of them.

    And as for all the so called Christian anti-gay sentiments that are flying around these days - and turned this election.  The ONLY reference to homosexuality in the New Testament® was not the words of Christ - is was the words of Paul.  And frankly, I have trouble with any anti-homosexual view point - written by a guy lying in a prison cell.

    I only bring this up because the NPR pundits are now saying through self righteous underbites, "The democratic party has just lost sight of the core values of the American people. If they want to make progress they are just going to have to move further to the right."

    If the democratic party moves any further to the right we'll be invading Canada by 2006.

    I saw a map of "new Canada."  It extended south from Quebec into Maine, New York, Pennsylvania and Maryland.  Illinois Michigan Wisconsin and Minnesota. Then it continued along the  49th parallel but then south from British Columbia to Baja.

    Now, I know this country is not just divided geographically. There are good people peppered throughout this great land of ours. We made our steps to meet the republicans in the middle.  We were there.  They moved the middle on us.  I say, not one more step.  In fact. Let us redefine the middle.  They can come to us.  Let George Bush have his debacle. If I sound rabid it is only because rabies shots are as scarce as flu shots under this administration.

    He says, "Let the country heal."  What he really means is, "Make the country heel."