The Chris Chandler Show

  • Muse and Whirled Retort Archives 2009

    Muse and Whirled Retort March 2009

    Muse and Whirled Retort March 2009

    chandler - the website

    T.H.E. .M.U.S.E. .A.N.D.. .W.H.I.R.L.E.D. .R.E.T.O.R.T.

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    T.H.E. .M.U.S.E. .A.N.D.. .W.H.I.R.L.E.D. .R.E.T.O.R.T.
    March 05, 2009
    Vol X Issue v
    Silver Spring, MD

    I am in love with a drunk.
    Oh sure she functions, like most drunks do. But, isn't every drunk at least on some level a functional alcoholic? One man's dysfunctional is another man's high achiever.  Depends on your expectations, I guess.

    I don't think she has ever had a lot of those. It is both her beauty and her blemish.  She is easy.  Big easy.  She has one of those jobs where people don't mind if you show up late, and a little tipsy.  They give her extra sick days – and don't mind if when she calls in all raspy throated, saying "I've got the flu."  (Which really means "I'm hung-over.")

    Part of it is she lives in a really rough neighborhood.  I guess she has to. After all she has been through, where else could she afford to live?   The worst of the worst show up on her door steps.  They use her, till she has little left to give. She has seen her best friends murdered, pistol whippings, break ins, muggings.  She has seen it all.  Yet, even as hardened a street walker as she is – even she is shell shocked.  

    Sure, parts of her manage to squeak by, like any functional alcoholic. She just doesn't live up to her potential.  It would be one thing if she were one to go through this life a dull flame -- content with dying at an early age of cirrhosis after her greatest achievement was to take your order from behind the counter at a Popeye's in Metairie.

    But she is not that.  She never was.  In her day she inspired millions.  People still write songs about her: about what grand parties she throws, what a remarkable cook she is, and how great she looks at four in the morning wearing nothing but voodoo and fog.  

    She does throw a good party.  She gets dressed up. She wears a mask so ya can't see the dark circles under her eyes. In the right light, she is exquisite.  It is in that moment, she will lure you in, get you drunk and take advantage of you.  But the next morning, when you wake up and see her with out the mask, make up kissed away, beads lying in the gutter being eaten by rats, she is sad. So sad, but still so beautiful.

    A few years back, things got really bad for her, and we had to have an intervention.  Had to bring in the cops.  A lot of cops. We had her on suicide watch. While she was lying there at her most vulnerable she was raped and left for dead on the side of the river.  It was tragic.  Truly Tragic. It took weeks, months for her to come out of the coma. All her friends and loved ones sent her money, for a time – hoping to help in her recovery.  They came from all over the world to sit by her side.

    But now, things are as bad as ever and everyone is really tired of hearing about it.  No one is going to give her another dime.  Not that I blame them.  She, of course. squandered most of the money she was given and what she didn't squander she was swindled out of.

    She has always been so giving, for someone with such a propensity for trouble.  It makes her easy prey, and that has left her hard. Now, the sweetest lady in the world has turned mean.  She carries a gun, and she has a habit.  She has crawled back inside a bottle and although the cork has been removed she is not coming out for she has no way to grant your wish.  She may stay in the bottle for a long time.

    I am in love with a drunk.
    One place I recommend contributing to help New Orleans is The New Orleans Musician's Clinic
    Paul and I had a wonderful tour through the south land and are looking to do it again this summer.
    We are looking at the west coast so get your requests in early.
    I am looking at about two weeks in May in the North East – if you would like to present us please let me know – see details for dates below.
    Th thing is I don't know who US is.  I need a musical partner for this trip.  If you can hold your own on stage, accompany your self (and me) on guitar or piano and have a pretty deep repertoire – please drop me a line ASAP
    The new box set is doing well.  If you would like a copy of Fifty from Twenty – a 4 CD 1 DVD boxed set of the best from the past twenty years – click here:
    I am trying to put together a couple of weeks in England this summer – if you have any thoughts please drop me a line.


    T.H.A.N.K. .Y.O.U.
    Paul Benoit, Shirley Myers, Karen and Alan Murray, Claire and Kevin Chandler, Fishman, Robin and Caroline Hall, Grey, Grace Bufford, Michelle Sellers, Ron, Drunah NOLA, Andrea, Bethany, Jeffrey,  Pat Crawford, Inid, WUWF, Andrew Mcknight, Wendy, Ruta Mya, Amy Sue, Raina Rose,Tom PR, Carey, Mike Henry, Kelly Miller, Maverick, Irina, The Allgood Café Chongo and Bongo, The Green Room, Kodac Harrison, Smiths Olde Bar, The Java Monkey, The Fire Storm, Billy Jonas, Radio, Eli, Jeffrey and Christina, Cali, Jay and Joe, EEQ, Pat Barnes, and Anne Feeney.

    H.E.R.E.S. .D.A.. .D.A.T.E.S.
    chris chandler Upcoming Events:
    Friday, May 1st, 2009 1:00 PM
    Passaic County Cultural and Heritage Council and the NJ Council for the Arts Present a Labor Day Celebration
    American Labor Museum/Botto House National Landmark
    Haledon, NJ
    phone: (973)595-7953
    with a terrific cast of players speakers and singers

    Saturday, May 2nd, 2009 8:00 PM
    Peace Groups on Long Island Present Chris Chandler and George Mann
    the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Bellport
    51 Browns Lane
    Bellport, NY
    phone: 212-923-6372
    PRICE: $10.00
    This will be a split bill with Geroge Mann and myself.

    Sunday, May 3rd
    Looking for something in NYC

    Monday, May 4th, 2009 9:30
    Geoff Bartley Features Chandler at his long running Open Mic
    Can Tab
    Central Square
    Cambridge, MA
    phone: 617 354-2685

    Tuesday, May 5th, 2009 8 PM
    Slam Poetry Feature Got Poetry Live
    Blue State Coffee
    300 Thayer Street
    Providence, RI

    Wed and Thr May 6th and 7th
    Looking for something in Boston, Worchester, Maine, NH, western Mass.

    Friday, May 8th, 2009 8 PM
    House Concert
    Delilah's Den
    RSVP to
    Philadelphia, PA
    A house concert by XFS goddess Courtney Malley

    Saturday May 9th
    Looking for something in NJ, Delaware, etc.

    Sunday May 10th thru Sunday May 16th
    Looking for something in Baltimore, DC Central, PA

    This will be with Paul Benoit
    Friday, June 12th, 2009 thru Sat June 13th
    The Extreme Folk Festival XFS
    the Country Creek Winery
    Telford, PA
    June 12-13th 2009, 2 days of awesome music, vendors, wine, food at the Country Creek Winery in Telford PA.

    Paul and I would like to fill a few dates in the area immediately after XFS
    By In the area – keep in mind Paul will be flying in from Paris and then to Seattle – so in the area is relative.

    We are booking dates on the west coast for after fair!

    Friday, July 10th, 2009
    The Oregon Country Fair
    Vinita, OR

    Saturday, July 11th, 2009
    The Oregon Country Fair
    Vinita, OR

    Sunday, July 12th, 2009
    The Oregon Country Fair
    Vinita, OR

    updated: 13 years ago