The Chris Chandler Show

  • Muse and Whirled Retort Archives 2010

    The Muse and Whirled Retort August 2010

    The Muse and Whirled Retort August 2010

    Muse and Whirled Retort - August - 2010
    Vol. XI issue xi
    August 2010
    Horning's Hideout, OR

    Immediate Destinations: Corvallis, OR, Williams OR; Ashland, OR; Chico, CA; Sebastopol, CA Oakland, CA; San Francesco, CA Santa Cruz, CA

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    Hey everybody,
    It's that time of the month again.  Yes, there is craziness brewing in the world…. But for now – I have to write a piece that is a long over due thank you… Paul and Jen and I have been playing a lot of shows this past month – some big festivals some tiny coffee houses… and there is one group that never gets their just rewards so THAT is the subject of this months M.U.S.E. .A.N.D. .W.H.I.R.L.E.D .R.E.T.O.R.T.
    Vol. XI issue xi
    August 2010
    Horning's Hideout, OR

    So this lawyer dies and gets into heaven – Saint Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, come on in"

    This politician gets to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, come on in"

    The stagehand gets there, and Saint Peter says, "The loading dock is around the back."

    Ya know the difference between a homeless person and a stagehand?

    A laminate.

    That's how most of the jokes go… 'cuz ya see…

    ,,,the stagehand never gets celebrated – he is too busy setting the stage for the celebration.  In fact, there can be no celebration without him – nothing like doing the load in for your own party. So I say its time for a toast to the stagehand…

    … the noble profession. The world's third oldest profession. The stagehand.

    I mean the oldest is the prostitute, the second is the pimp. Somebody had to set the stage for the ultimate in live entertainment.

    Here's to you, the stage hand… all of you … the wrench slingers, the truss climbers, the box pushers and doc jockeys, the color girls and best boys, the cookie cutters, merch mongers and back line humpers. The leggers of decks, the guitar and drum techs.  The tour managers, the projection booth anglers, and dog and pony wranglers. The shop stewards and dressing room screwers.

    The gaffers, the go-fers, the grips, the green room greeners, and the glow tape dispensers.

    You know why sound men only count to two? "Check one two" 'cos on "three" you have to lift.

    What do you call a stage electrician with a hammer? A thief.

    Here's to you and all your quirky rivalries.

    May the war between the tweaks and the squints ever rage.  I sometimes think the rivalry was created by management, knowing that the two would so often race each other to get their rig up first – as we all push towards that moment – the one we all do this for – that second… when the house lights go to half… and the hush silence befalls the crowd… and then they go out.


    That is the most important moment in the universe – THAT second. For it is in that second ANYTHING can happen, and it usually does. If we have done our job…together we sit beneath the blue lights, head sets engaged and listen for the moment of silence in which you can actually hear the squeaking of a hinge, that can only be the opening of the door to wonder.

    So here's to you…

    …the rag pullers and dress setters, the grid monkeys, thimble fingers and folder holders. The shills and the plants, the quick changers, set changers, props table arrangers, and marquee letter hangers.

    The pit geeks the buckle gluers, the touch ups and monitor men. The fluffers, and fly men, the soft goods stitchers, the floor directors, the multi vendor vendors and trap door operators. The ambient minstrels, the vaudeville idiots and projector screen vidiots. The consol programmers and program printers.

    The bamboo ballet brigade, The blockers, the dispatchers, and penguins.  The double shifts and stunt doubles. The drivers of freightliners and the eyeliner liners. The trick line pullers, the fork lift riders and the chain motor bridlers.  High sand getting high with the band…

    You know how you know when the stage is level? The rigger drools out of both sides of his mouth.

    You know how many stage electricians it takes to screw in a light bulb? It's not a light bulb, it's a lamp.  You know the difference between a stagehand and a pig? You won't find a pig wandering around a hotel lobby looking for a stagehand.

    Without the lights, the show would be… radio.

    So tune in my friends – stay tuned – and tune that damn thing.

    From usher to producer, diva to downrigger, performer to intermission lobby bartender: not a single task more important than the other.

    Yes, here's to you…

    ….behind the lights,

    behind the set,

    behind the crowd,

    behind the marquee,

    behind the mask,

    behind the scene,

    YOU are the scene.

    Here's to the finest of the fine print in the program – the finer the print the finer the job.
    Here's to it all!

    The 'vader ops, spot ops and even the rent-a-cops.

    The brush cleaners and tech desk meter readers.  The ushers, the catchers, the shooters, the handlers, the roach coach diners, and the ghost lamp lighters. The LD, the SD, the CD, TD, SM, MC, ME, PA, A1, L2, and 3D glasses passers.

    Here's to you… show people…'cos there's no people like show people like no people I know.  

    Here's to you that put the "u" and the "S"...the "US" in show bUSiness

    By putting the "You" in US.


    Paul and I have recorded the BP piece (BP Beyond Pollution) and are looking to put out a video on the subject.

    If you or anyone you know has any video or stills we can use for this project – please drop me a line!  

    Also if you know of  places the finished project should be posted please let me know – this is a group project – so please feel free to roll up yer sleeves and chime in.  

    Paul and I are considering a tour of texas, Louisiana Florida and Georgia in late oct/ early November.  Can you help?
    Jen has posted several new videos of our show
    We have one featured on the front page of and lots more at
    Condolences to Frankie Hernandez on the passing of his father Francisco Mario Hernandez  October 22, 1948 to July 5th, 2010 Condolences may be made at

    Jen Delyth, Paul Benoit, Browning, Herman Blasé, Shirley Myers, Frankie Hernandez, Ollie Klump, Derick and Jason, JC, Kirsten Schipper, Dave and Tina Margulise, Roy Carter, Everyone at the High Sierra, Ari, Lou and Co at the  Truckee Book and Bean, Bob and Co in Cottage Grove, Lidnda Divendorf, Tom Noddy, Jarrod Kaplan, Sean and Lisa  Shanihan, Jessie Dalton, Anne Feeney, Athonoi and the rest of Jen's Camp, Amy Berlin, Bart and Co at the Axe and Fiddle, Adam and Co at the Alberta Rose, Mike West and Katy Ulis, Paola, Tim Little, Lerpy, Peter Wilde and Co at Sam Bond's, All the folks at the Fancy Fronds, Sean and Mirina, Gordy John and Co at the Vancouver IWW, Vinetta and Co at Rhizome, Carolyn, Chris Lianna and Francis Kennedy, All the Folks at the Island's Folk Fest, Bill Moyers and all the folks at the backbone Campaign, Pete Welsh, John and Co at the Red Bicycle, Vashon Island, all the folks at the collective on Vashon Island, all the folks at the Undertown in Port Townsend, Joe Breskin, Suzzanne and Ted at Egan's Jam House, Judy Heyman, Tia and Co at Horning's Hideout, Stevo and Chris Boman, Ute and Mack, Paul Benoit.
    H.e.r.e.s. .d.a. .D.a.t.e.s.
    Tuesday, August 3rd 7 PM
    Portland, OR
    Private Party

    Wednesday, August 4th, 2010 8 PM
    Oregrown Music Presents
    Troubadour Music Center
    521 SW 2nd Street
    Corvallis, OR 97333
    phone: (541) 752-7720
    PRICE: $10.00

    Thursday, August 5th, 2010 8 PM
    Out of the Way Cafe
    231 Blodgett Rd
    Williams, OR 97544
    phone: (541) 846-6666

    Friday, August 6th, 2010 8 PM
    303 E Main St
    Ashland, OR 97520
    phone: 541 488 1455

    Saturday, August 7th, 2010 8:00 PM
    at the home of Jake and Cassie
    House Concert
    Chico, CA
    phone: 530.520.7024

    Sunday, August 8th, 2010 8 PM
    with Paul Benoit
    Aubergine After Dark
    755 Petaluma Avenue,
    Sebastopol, CA 95472
    phone: 707-861-9190

    Monday, August 9th, 2010 7 PM
    delta of venus
    122 b street
    Davis, CA 95616
    phone: 530.753.8639

    Wendesday, August 11th
    Spotlight feature
    Berkeley Poetry Slam
    Starry Plough
    Shattuck Ave Berkeley, CA

    Thursday, August 12th, 2010 8 PM
    at the home of Jen Delyth and Chris Chandler
    House COncert
    1155 5th St #401
    Oakland, CA 94607
    phone: 240 476 4976

    Limited seating Please RSVP or
    donations appreciated

    Friday, August 13th, 2010 8 PM
    Live Oak Alive Summer Concert Series
    Santa Cruz Live Oak Grange Hall #503
    1900 17th Avenue
    Santa Cruz, CA 95062
    phone: 831-325-3376

    Saturday, August 14th, 2010 7:30
    A House Concert
    Home of Chuck and Joanne Narad
    Los Altos, CA
    phone RSVP  650 208-7788 (Joanne's cell)

    updated: 11 years ago