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The Chris Chandler Show

  • Muse and Whirled Retort Archives 2005

    The Muse and Whirled Retort April 1, 2005

    The Muse and Whirled Retort April 1 2005
    T.H.E. .M.U.S.E. .A.N.D. .W.H.I.R.L.E.D. .R.E.T.O.R.T.

    Volume 6 Issue 7

    April 1, 2005

    Langley, VA

    Hey, everybody, it's that time of the month again!

    Oh, where to start? Everything is so new and different.  If you read last month's edition of this newsletter, you know that much has been turning upside down in Chandlerland.  

    Well, this month is no different.  As if finding myself in a hurricane of change weren't enough...

    Ya see, a couple of weeks ago I was doing a show at a coffeehouse in Langley, Va. (For those of you outside the Beltway - that is home of the CIA and numerous other such institutions and businesses - but in truth it is really just suburban Washington.)  Well, as fate would have it, a guy in the audience at the Grind Coffee House LOVED the show and, well, offered me a real gig.  Well, by

    "real" I mean real money.  And it's not too different from what I have been doing for the past 18 years.

    He liked the sort of zany pop-culture references I made and the way the performance engaged the audience - of what I thought to be mostly right-wing nutjobs.  Now, granted, I knew I was playing in Langley - something I had never done - but what I did not know was how much this act can appeal to those folks. I mean - they are just people.  Anyway, the show went over like gangbusters - three

    standing O's!  Can you believe it.  I got three standing O's in the brain of the beast!  At first, I was ready to suspect some of these people in the audience might be like - well, spooks - who else would live in Langley, Va.?

    But how would I know for sure?  Maybe they were just pretending to love the show so no one would know they were spies.

    Anyway, this one guy in particular works in human resources for - get this - Lockheed Martin.  Now, it's not firm yet - I still have a couple of routine security clearances to go through  - but it looks like I am going to start doing my show for them under the guise of it being  motivational speaking.  Now wait - before you go yelling, "Chandler sold out!"...

    I am still doing MY show - I am just FINALLY going to be getting paid better for it. Think about it.  

    My plan is to change the system from within!  

    Hell, I've spent years playing at anti-war demonstrations and the like - but I never get to play for the people who need it the most.  It's like a dream come true.  I get to do these shows - lectures, really, but I like to think of them as shows - all over the country!  

    When I am on the road, I will get to drive in rental cars, and be given a - well, captive audience.  I mean - they are being paid to be there!

    I've only done two so far - sort of test runs - and it has been fabulous.  I get to do some of my goofy ethics stuff laden with references to Cap'n Crunch and Pez dispensors, which is always what I thought I was best at anyway.  Now, I can't talk about the moral implications of living in a

    country that builds war planes for the sole purpose of protecting the people who build them (YET!), but ya gotta start somewhere.  I am doing a routine about stealing Post-it notes and staplers - that is going over well.  A lot of the audience are clerical people. I still do the bits about Sea Monkeys, and even St .Augustine (Florida).  They even love all the references to Jack Kerouac and

    Martin Luther King.  They think of themselves as an "edgy" company  - and it's a great fit.  In short - it's still MY show.

    Oh sure, considering who the sponsor is  you can say I am selling out - but gimme a break! I have spent 18 years living in a car.  I currently own a 1986 Suburu.  Next year I will have to get antique plates for it.  WTF is selling out?

    I've seen the greatest minds of my generation writing ad copy.

    And then I think about poor Judas.  Nobody ever tells his side of it.  He sold out Christ for thirty pieces of silver.  But what I want to know is: Just how much was thirty pieces of silver worth in a biblical economy?

    Was it, say, the equivalent of a new car?  Was it a weekend in Gomorrah?  Was he set for life?  Maybe he was thinking of  using the money for good.  Maybe he was thinking of launching a worldwide tour espousing the teachings of Christ is a wacky, entertaining way that would appeal to the masses... Sort of a Gethsemanepalooza. Whatever happened to "Judge not - lest you be judged"? Nobody ever applies that to Judas.  How can I know what was in his heart?

    The point is - I DON'T know.  And neither do you.  So think this through before you start judging me.  Because! The first big step is that they are going to finance this new CD I am working on.  

    They liked the whole "American Storyteller" idea I have been working on - and with just a few small changes, they are going to do it!  I had to drop the song about protesting the war. Actually, they didn't like make me do it - I just didn't want to rock the boat by bringing it up.  These guys are being really good to me.  Better than it's ever been, really.  Because - I am saving the best for last....

    In June I am going to do a national tour, doing two lectures - or shows - during the day and at night doing a small opening set for the Charlie Daniels Band.  I get 10 Minutes before the headliner

    on 15 shows this summer!

    I will reach more people on this tour than I have ever reached in my life!  The long and short of it is I am psyched!  I hope you are too!

    Now, here's da dates

    May 18

    Cincinnati, OH

    The Howard Taft Pavilion

    Opening for Charlie Daniels

    Tickets are 45 in advance 60 at the door

    May 19

    Dayton, OH

    The Austin Grill

    Chandler solo show free with a two drink Minimum

    May 21

    Borders Books

    Private event for LM

    May 30

    St Louis, MO

    The Mark McGuire Coliseum

    Opening for Charlie Daniels

    Tickets are 45 in advance 60 at the door

    May 31

    Columbia, MO

    Starbucks Coffee House

    Chandler Solo

    June 1

    Little Rock AR

    Paul Wolfowitz Theatre

    With special guest Hillary Duff

    More dates to come soon!

    updated: 17 years ago